If you’re a regular listener, you may know there are plans afoot to reboot the GI Joe franchise. Before Hasbro and Hollywood fuck it up though, I thought I’d take a crack at it first.

My GI Joe movie gets to the core of the (1980’s) premise. No pseudo-Iron Man suits. No Marlon Wayans. And, perhaps regretfully, no Rock. Inspired by the original 1983 mini-series, this would be a wall-to-wall action flick.

Representing the best of each military branch, GI Joe is an elite squad tasked with the most difficult of missions. Cobra works from the shadows. The less known they are, the more effective they can be.

The plot is simple. Cobra is an underground terrorist group financed by Tomax & Xamot’s Extensive Enterprises. They’ve stolen an advanced military weapons satellite. The US government, fearing public outcry, tasks General Hawk with recruiting a small team to go in and recover it, hopefully taking down Cobra along the way.

Let’s talk casting.

The Joes:

 

 

 

 

 

Gung-Ho – Michael Rooker

 

 

 

 

 

 

RoadBlock – Mike Colter

 

 

 

 

 

Lady Jaye -Zoey Saldana

 

 

 

 

 

Scarlett – Jessica Chastain

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snake Eyes – Stunt guy (no flashbacks, never seen with his mask off, no talking)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Duke – Chris Pine

 

 

 

 

 

General Hawk – Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Cobra:

 

 

 

 

Tomax/Xamot – Armie Hammer

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zartan – Joel Edgerton

 

 

 

 

 

Zarana – Isla Fisher

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baroness – Haley Atwell

 

 

 

 

 

 

Destro – Idris Elba

 

 

 

 

Storm Shadow – Jay Chou

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Mindbender – Ben Kingsley

 

 

 

 

 

Cobra Commander – Ben Mendelsohn

Director: Fuck it, James Gunn. I think he’d really nail the tone, have some fun with it.

So there you go, Joe!

Thoughts?

From Culver City,

–RDT